Fathers’ Day, 2010

It’s about two weeks to go before the world celebrates Fathers’ Day again. Everyone would be celebrating with their Dads, giving them special gifts and treats. Of course, except those whose fathers are abroad or have passed away like my Dad. I’m still missing him so much in fact I’d rather miss Fathers’ Day celebrations because it will only make me miss my Dad more. It still makes me cry. Just the other day, a good friend and church mate, Ghen, posted on her Face book wall a video clip with a Happy Fathers’ Day greeting. She said (in Filipino) “He who does not cry has a heart of stone”. Indeed, I cried. It was about Olympian Derek Redmond and the amazing human spirit he had shown during the 1992 Barcelona Olympics and the love of his father. Derek was favored by spectators to win the 400 meter run but after the 250th meter mark, his hamstring tore, which had cost him the race. However, in spite of the pain, he forced himself back on track and hobbled toward the finish line weeping in agony both for the physical pain and, I believe, for losing the race for which he had trained so hard. His father ran to him to help him up and ran across the finish line. I invite you to watch the video in full for the complete story.

 

I know my dad would do the same for me. It just pains me so much that he is no longer here to do it for me when I would need him by my side. Of course, God, our Father is always here with us and in us. He will be our strength and shelter.Thanks Ghen for sharing the video…

Birthday Bash!

January 13, 2010:

It was my second birthday without Dad. I was not expecting anything special for my birthday but to my surprise, our pastor and some church mates threw a birthday bash for me. They brought bread, grilled chicken, a 1.5 liter-bottle of Sprite and beer! Rootbeer, I mean. They made my birthday meaningful with their special messages for me. Ate Amor said it was courtesy of Tito Mar delos Santos. It was good mom cooked spaghetti for me and a family friend brought a cake roll... it was altogether nice...

However, something is missing... My ice cream!!! I never had a birthday without some ice cream! It was always Dad who would buy ice cream for me, actually for us to feast on. Since he had gone, ice cream also had gone...

It was not really something important. It was just ice cream! However, Dad had shown affection through those little things. Little things but precious and priceless....

First Blog Anniversary

It is this blog's first anniversary today...

At least, I have a way of remembering my Dad in a unique way.

Just a few days ago, we went to a hospital for mom's scheduled check up and to have my swollen right foot treated. We passed by a gasoline station where Dad and I frequently gassed up. Memories quickly flashed in my mind... How I wished I could turn back the hands of time...

Miss you Diddy....

Image borrowed from: Photobucket by dicknyoshi
 

Christmas 2009, 2nd without Dad

Last year was the saddest Christmas for me so far. It was one day after Dad’s interment. We did not know how we would celebrate Christmas in such an emotional atmosphere. In fact, I thought I would not be able to continue blogging for a while. It was a good thing that I found inspiration to blog about Dad and I. Actually, I used to call him “Diddy” while our church friends call him “Tatay” (the Filipino word for father). By the way, this blog would also celebrate its first anniversary on January 2, 2010.

Anyway, this Christmas is lighter for us. We are still sad about Dad not being with us anymore but somehow, we are slowly recovering from the pain. We are looking forward to happier Christmases with Dad’s happy memories in our hearts. As he always sings his favorite Christmas songs, “White Christmas”, “Oh Holy Night” and “Himig Ng Pasko”. Besides, the reason for the season is the birthday of the King Lord Jesus. He is the reason why we all celebrate Christmas.

However, three families from our church has suffered from the same experience we have had last year. Each family lost a loved one within the Christmas week (from December 15 to 23). We are really sad for them.

Shaking Off a Guilt Feeling

Sometimes, I also wonder if people would care to read my blog posts here if they do not know either me or my dad. Besides, these experiences do not concern anyone except perhaps our family. However, I think I am not alone with this experience. Losing a very loving father by renal failure and not being right there on his death bed when he has expired when all his life he has been there for me without any reservation. It is indescribably painful. I do not know what he has said before he has died if he has said anything at all. I am wondering if he has mentioned my name or something and I will be wondering all my life.

Perhaps, someone out there has a similar experience and may find consolation in knowing that something like this really happens to people, he is not alone. There is a certain guilt feeling that is not so easy to shake off especially if the death is totally unexpected and sudden.

We need to move on but it does not mean forgetting or ignoring the memories but overcoming the pain of losing a loved one. There are things that happen beyond our control and approval and we cannot undo those things by blaming ourselves. Our departed loved ones would not want us to do that to ourselves.

I know Dad loves me so much, I love him very much too and not even death can change that.

Dad’s First Death Anniversary

We went to the cemetery to remember Dad. We brought flowers, lighted two white candles and spent a few hours just being with him there in his cold and lonely resting place, physically and emotionally speaking. His remains is there all by itself, six feet under the cold earth. Sometimes I am wondering, how he is doing there. I feel like I want to see even just his bones but I need to face the fact that I cannot see him again.

Spiritually speaking, I know He is with the Lord. My consolation is in knowing that He is enjoying the presence of God now that He is outside of the perishable mortal body. I do not know how it will be in heaven, if I will still recognize him as my human dad or not but I hope that we will meet once again there to worship the Lamb of God upon His throne.

We had a short memorial service later that afternoon led by our Pastor Orlino Veron.

Missing Dad

It's two days before Dad's death anniversary. I cannot describe how I feel. I am still sad deep inside. I miss those days that he would drive me to church... I miss his arms that carry me up... I miss his hands that gently massage my legs every morning... He has been my physical therapist since I have become paralyzed due to GBS and since he has gone, I have not tried to stand up again... I am a bit heavy and only Dad could lift me up to stand with a walker. I have noticed that I am losing the strength that has remained on my left knee, which makes it even more impossible for me to stand up again... I miss Dad... very much...