Christmas 2009, 2nd without Dad

Last year was the saddest Christmas for me so far. It was one day after Dad’s interment. We did not know how we would celebrate Christmas in such an emotional atmosphere. In fact, I thought I would not be able to continue blogging for a while. It was a good thing that I found inspiration to blog about Dad and I. Actually, I used to call him “Diddy” while our church friends call him “Tatay” (the Filipino word for father). By the way, this blog would also celebrate its first anniversary on January 2, 2010.

Anyway, this Christmas is lighter for us. We are still sad about Dad not being with us anymore but somehow, we are slowly recovering from the pain. We are looking forward to happier Christmases with Dad’s happy memories in our hearts. As he always sings his favorite Christmas songs, “White Christmas”, “Oh Holy Night” and “Himig Ng Pasko”. Besides, the reason for the season is the birthday of the King Lord Jesus. He is the reason why we all celebrate Christmas.

However, three families from our church has suffered from the same experience we have had last year. Each family lost a loved one within the Christmas week (from December 15 to 23). We are really sad for them.

Shaking Off a Guilt Feeling

Sometimes, I also wonder if people would care to read my blog posts here if they do not know either me or my dad. Besides, these experiences do not concern anyone except perhaps our family. However, I think I am not alone with this experience. Losing a very loving father by renal failure and not being right there on his death bed when he has expired when all his life he has been there for me without any reservation. It is indescribably painful. I do not know what he has said before he has died if he has said anything at all. I am wondering if he has mentioned my name or something and I will be wondering all my life.

Perhaps, someone out there has a similar experience and may find consolation in knowing that something like this really happens to people, he is not alone. There is a certain guilt feeling that is not so easy to shake off especially if the death is totally unexpected and sudden.

We need to move on but it does not mean forgetting or ignoring the memories but overcoming the pain of losing a loved one. There are things that happen beyond our control and approval and we cannot undo those things by blaming ourselves. Our departed loved ones would not want us to do that to ourselves.

I know Dad loves me so much, I love him very much too and not even death can change that.

Dad’s First Death Anniversary

We went to the cemetery to remember Dad. We brought flowers, lighted two white candles and spent a few hours just being with him there in his cold and lonely resting place, physically and emotionally speaking. His remains is there all by itself, six feet under the cold earth. Sometimes I am wondering, how he is doing there. I feel like I want to see even just his bones but I need to face the fact that I cannot see him again.

Spiritually speaking, I know He is with the Lord. My consolation is in knowing that He is enjoying the presence of God now that He is outside of the perishable mortal body. I do not know how it will be in heaven, if I will still recognize him as my human dad or not but I hope that we will meet once again there to worship the Lamb of God upon His throne.

We had a short memorial service later that afternoon led by our Pastor Orlino Veron.

Missing Dad

It's two days before Dad's death anniversary. I cannot describe how I feel. I am still sad deep inside. I miss those days that he would drive me to church... I miss his arms that carry me up... I miss his hands that gently massage my legs every morning... He has been my physical therapist since I have become paralyzed due to GBS and since he has gone, I have not tried to stand up again... I am a bit heavy and only Dad could lift me up to stand with a walker. I have noticed that I am losing the strength that has remained on my left knee, which makes it even more impossible for me to stand up again... I miss Dad... very much...